My Journey: How I’m Learning to Love Myself Again

“Be healthy and take care of yourself, but be happy with the beautiful things that make you, you.”

Beyonce

Loving yourself entirely can be a long journey and without the proper tools or self-guidance, you will probably never feel self-loved fully. At one point I really never loved myself in high school where things were difficult and trying to fit in was some sort of validation. I went to high school in Hawaii (my dad was in the military) and the scenery was always nice. I was in a brand new environment where I knew no one and everyone didn’t seem too friendly; that was my own opinion. I experienced different cultural backgrounds for the first time and the fact I wasn’t used to that made it harder for me to fit in. Eventually I ended up hanging out with some people; a mixture of races and backgrounds. I was trying to fit in to a society that I didn’t know and the fact I just wanted to be accepted, I tried my very best to fit in with everyone almost. I knew who the popular kids were and I always wondered what it would feel like to hang out with that group. I hung out with at least two or three groups of people so I never knew if they were my real friends or not.

I didn’t know that I would be apart of so much drama, dealing with toxic people and arguments over dumb things that were petty. I compared myself to a lot of females physically because I didn’t love my body! As a skinny, dark, high school kid with glasses and braces, my looks wasn’t quite impressive) to me at least. I was smaller than most average women (black women) my age and I felt like a little girl still in a little girl body. I was so obsessed with my looks that I would try to wear clothes that showed my body a little bit or do my hair differently. By my Junior year, I got my braces off so I looked a little better. LOL.

This picture was taken in 2003 in Hawaii and I was having the time of my life! As a Junior in high school, I didn’t look half bad, but I still suffered the low self-esteem with my weight and size. I weighed under 100 pounds and because of my illness, Sickle Cell Disease, I had a little trouble gaining the weight. That’s another story for another post. I wanted the breasts, the thighs, even the long hair some of these other mixed with black chicks had! Hell, sometimes I wished I was mixed then I can have that long hair and guys would be staring at me all day in between classes and talking to me during recess and lunch periods. You are probably thinking that I was crazy for saying all those things, but it was the honest to God truth! I hated the skin and body I was in. My boy-craziness started approximatively in middle school and I had crushes like crazy. Pretty normal for most teenagers. But none of the guys I was interested in wasn’t interested in me. I felt ugly and I couldn’t attract good-looking guys my age. I think my low-self esteem journey lasted for a long time even through college as well. I had crushes in college, but none seemed to bite back. Luckily I had a real boyfriend all through my entire college years, so that took away the whole pressure of being boy-crazy for awhile. I don’t think I fully love myself even now in my 30’s and I know that’s a bold thing to say, but I want to be transparent with myself. I tried to commit suicide several times in my life, but I’m still here. Through my high school and college years, I was severely drained mentally and emotionally. My relationship with my former boyfriend sucked from time to time and their were a lot of disappointments and anger. It was stressful and I felt dead plenty of times in my life. Now that I’m in my 30’s, I am learning to love myself fully; loving all of me, flaws and all. I want my next and final relationship (future marriage) to be healthy and for him to love all of me, flaws and all.

“To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness.”

Robert Morley

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